A Galactic Traveller's Clipboard

Observations of the average galactic tourist.

Despite the colourful language

Despite the colourful language, I’d say this Homo sapiens has a rather solid grasp on his immediate reality: https://twitter.com/shitmydadsays


Express your beliefs with care.

Inspired by one of the greatest visionaries Earth has ever had, the planet Melagrotto set about creating a device that functions identically–in principle–as the Total Perspective Vortex some 6,000 years before Earth was properly formed.

The machine–jokingly dubbed ‘Total Perspective Wombat’–was largely meant as an outlet to dispell boredom, but soon it became apparent that the experiment was far too successful and the rest of its galaxy finally had consider its consequences seriously.

Instead of a fairy cake, the TPW was linked up with some of the oldest space dust known to that sector of the solar system. Billions watched as self-proclaimed ‘Galactic Genocide Extraordinaire’ Jera’di of Hothriq was led into the machine for his ‘execution’.

He emerged a much less maniac version of his previous self with a new love for philosophy and deeply profound knowledge of the universe. Jera’di’s incident with the TPW ushered in a new age of intellectuals–many of the greatest minds across space and time would become his followers, but none were able to fully grasp the extent of what enlightenment he inherited from the TPW. Jera’di’s teachings are now followed in many parts of the universe in loose reference to his famous last words: Know you know nothing, the universe will answer.

Less accepted was the machine that gave Jera’di a new lease on life. The TPW, its blueprints and creators were promptly destroyed following the revelation of Jera’di’s altered mind. Apparently because most people prefer retribution for heinous war crimes and a good execution.

This knowledge is relevant to any galactic traveller touring Earth as Homo sapiens have a saying: “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” by a philosopher called Socrates. It is speculated that he was one of Jera’di’s followers who tried and subsequently failed to spread the wisdom amongst Homo spaiens. Do not attempt to preach Jera’di’s teachings here; Socrates was executed.

It cannot get any less obvious.

In many primitive species–regardless of galaxy–the issue of predation dictates that the creatures will evolve to evade detection, simply grow too large to be considered a target or become an apex predator.

Homo sapiens seem to defy this rule: their offspring’s cries resonate for miles around like a beacon to hungry creatures, the female adults even seem to prefer travelling around irritably noisily wearing strange, impractical and health-hazardous footwear called ‘high-heels’. Hardly a wonder why they have to engineer bubble environments.

This little travel tip will save you a lot of pain.

Resist all attempts to correct Homo sapiens who say, “If I die…” to “When I die…”

It’s usually transparent here.

Unlike most planets, the precipitation on Earth is a life-giving process of water renewal. Most of the time, it is not the waste by-product of upper atmosphere ecology.

Even comes with coffee and crackers.

Failing to understand the purpose of ‘meetings’ as anything more than long drawn-out corporate chatting sessions; nothing gets done during them.

Nitpicky or simply bored?

I do not understand why certain Homo sapiens insist whichever language is ‘deteriorating’ or not being as it should. Language is a reflection of the creatures that use it. Like the users, language changes with culture, ideas and events.

The purpose of language is to communicate. If a language–however broken or ‘mangled’–achieves this, what exactly is the problem?

The next time a Homo sapiens tells you to use proper <language>, tell it to speak in pure Anglo-Saxon, Latin or Sanskrit.

A cycle of destruction and renewal.

Unfortunate as it is to the more fragile mortals, natural ‘disasters’ are proof that the planet is alive and breathing. Having none of that will reduce the Earth into a lifeless rock floating in space.

The round face and slow gait are vicious lies.

I might have found something as formidable as a gregafich on the planet Earth: female Ursus arctos horribilis with cubs.

Unfortunately the ominous scientific name only became known to me after the attack and proper research. ‘Grizzly bear’ seemed harmless enough initially.

Much time will be spent reconstituting my face.

Alternatively, more neurons would work.

Dear Homo sapiens,

Before attempting your so-called cinnamon ‘challenge’, please make sure you have evolved out of using saliva glands.

– A revolted intergalactic traveller.

On some planets, this is a torture technique.

I can think of few things less appealing than applying ground-up animal parts and cell-destroying synthetic paste on one’s face.

Do televisions hold power to influence sports?

I do not understand how yelling in front of a broadcast receiver device will change the outcome of 22 fellow Homo sapiens on a faraway field murderously chasing a hapless ball.

Not yet, thankfully.

For such a young and primitive race, Homo sapiens have achieved much. Yet I sense that because of their limited lifespan they are brazenly reckless in trying to achieve without attaining the wisdom behind their actions.

Their dreams of space travel alone is not something the other intergalactic species disapprove of. However, aiming to colonise another planet simply because they have not learnt how to preserve their own strikes many of us as nothing more than grotesque, shameless planetary parasitism.

Certainly I hope Homo sapiens never pick up the skills to zip between even solar systems until they learn to breed and function in harmony with their environment.

A result of mortality?

It is most interesting how the Homo sapiens mind develops from impressionable openness and freedom then hardens into stubborn traditionalism with age.

Behaviour embedded deep into their brains.

The Homo sapiens volume of vocalisation is a curious thing. When suddenly presented a communication device–a mobile phone–most of them raise their voices by a few decibels regardless of their surrounding audio environment. When communication through this primitive device is severed, they bring their volume levels right back down to suit their environment again.

Perhaps the strangest observation about it is that they are not aware of this volume switch unless told.

It simply isn’t the same elsewhere.

Clearly, the true meaning of a secret is lost upon the Homo sapiens.

Do they incite warmth and fuzziness?

Rioting appears to be social pastime in some subspecies of Homo sapiens.

Do not whip out your triple sonic ray guns.

The Canidae family is a relatively harmless group of animals on Earth, compared to the similar-looking–but disproportionately terrifying–gregafich of Fjuptarinus. Within the Canidae, one specie has been domesticated by Homo sapiens into an even less dangerous bunch, the Canis lupus familiaris (commonly addressed simply as ‘dogs’).

Tourists to Earth should resist all temptation to exterminate ‘dogs’. In many Homo sapiens social groups, it is taboo to inflict any harm upon them. Unlike the infamous gregafich, dogs serve as companions and work animals to Homo sapiens, and do not commonly prey on anything moving regardless the size. Dogs are also non-venomous. Despite the tendency of many interstellar travellers to panic and flee at the sight of numerous dogs or any Canidae on Earth, one can simply pass off the reaction as a ‘fear of dogs’ should it attract any unwanted attention.

Again, the Canidae is not related to gregafich. Their similarity in physical appearance is likely the unfortunate result of convergent evolution. Although yes, it is hard to imagine how Canidae family came out looking the same as distant lifeforms that had to hop between planets and turn so savage just to survive.

The only Canidae specie that will likely prey on a tourist are the Canis lupus–the ancestor of the dog. They hunt in groups to take down prey larger than themselves in heavily forested regions of the northern hemisphere. Still, these animals are simple to defend oneself against (unlike the gregafich) and may be dispatched easily with any small to medium blast shocker set to stun.

This certainly is not mutualism.

Why Specimen6427 co-exists with a Felis catus is a mystery. Most of the time, any attempt to make contact with this ‘companion’ Felis catus individual results in Specimen6427 getting mauled in quite remarkable ways.

Last I checked, Homo sapiens come with a mostly-functional nervous system. So the reason Specimen6427 can overlook all the blood shed and physical pain truly puzzles me.

Competition seems to bring out the best.

Words from a well-adjusted Homo sapiens:

Companies actually wouldn’t run efficiently if they didn’t hate each other.  And I wish I were joking.

%d bloggers like this: