A Galactic Traveller's Clipboard

Observations of the average galactic tourist.

Category Archives: Travel

Take-offs are hazardous too.

Feral Columba livia–though deceptively adorable–are highly explosive and volatile to dyruminitus-based lifeforms. Never under any circumstance allow yourself to be caught beneath one in flight or while nesting in high places.

Express your beliefs with care.

Inspired by one of the greatest visionaries Earth has ever had, the planet Melagrotto set about creating a device that functions identically–in principle–as the Total Perspective Vortex some 6,000 years before Earth was properly formed.

The machine–jokingly dubbed ‘Total Perspective Wombat’–was largely meant as an outlet to dispell boredom, but soon it became apparent that the experiment was far too successful and the rest of its galaxy finally had consider its consequences seriously.

Instead of a fairy cake, the TPW was linked up with some of the oldest space dust known to that sector of the solar system. Billions watched as self-proclaimed ‘Galactic Genocide Extraordinaire’ Jera’di of Hothriq was led into the machine for his ‘execution’.

He emerged a much less maniac version of his previous self with a new love for philosophy and deeply profound knowledge of the universe. Jera’di’s incident with the TPW ushered in a new age of intellectuals–many of the greatest minds across space and time would become his followers, but none were able to fully grasp the extent of what enlightenment he inherited from the TPW. Jera’di’s teachings are now followed in many parts of the universe in loose reference to his famous last words: Know you know nothing, the universe will answer.

Less accepted was the machine that gave Jera’di a new lease on life. The TPW, its blueprints and creators were promptly destroyed following the revelation of Jera’di’s altered mind. Apparently because most people prefer retribution for heinous war crimes and a good execution.

This knowledge is relevant to any galactic traveller touring Earth as Homo sapiens have a saying: “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” by a philosopher called Socrates. It is speculated that he was one of Jera’di’s followers who tried and subsequently failed to spread the wisdom amongst Homo spaiens. Do not attempt to preach Jera’di’s teachings here; Socrates was executed.

This little travel tip will save you a lot of pain.

Resist all attempts to correct Homo sapiens who say, “If I die…” to “When I die…”

It’s usually transparent here.

Unlike most planets, the precipitation on Earth is a life-giving process of water renewal. Most of the time, it is not the waste by-product of upper atmosphere ecology.

A cycle of destruction and renewal.

Unfortunate as it is to the more fragile mortals, natural ‘disasters’ are proof that the planet is alive and breathing. Having none of that will reduce the Earth into a lifeless rock floating in space.

Not yet, thankfully.

For such a young and primitive race, Homo sapiens have achieved much. Yet I sense that because of their limited lifespan they are brazenly reckless in trying to achieve without attaining the wisdom behind their actions.

Their dreams of space travel alone is not something the other intergalactic species disapprove of. However, aiming to colonise another planet simply because they have not learnt how to preserve their own strikes many of us as nothing more than grotesque, shameless planetary parasitism.

Certainly I hope Homo sapiens never pick up the skills to zip between even solar systems until they learn to breed and function in harmony with their environment.

Do not whip out your triple sonic ray guns.

The Canidae family is a relatively harmless group of animals on Earth, compared to the similar-looking–but disproportionately terrifying–gregafich of Fjuptarinus. Within the Canidae, one specie has been domesticated by Homo sapiens into an even less dangerous bunch, the Canis lupus familiaris (commonly addressed simply as ‘dogs’).

Tourists to Earth should resist all temptation to exterminate ‘dogs’. In many Homo sapiens social groups, it is taboo to inflict any harm upon them. Unlike the infamous gregafich, dogs serve as companions and work animals to Homo sapiens, and do not commonly prey on anything moving regardless the size. Dogs are also non-venomous. Despite the tendency of many interstellar travellers to panic and flee at the sight of numerous dogs or any Canidae on Earth, one can simply pass off the reaction as a ‘fear of dogs’ should it attract any unwanted attention.

Again, the Canidae is not related to gregafich. Their similarity in physical appearance is likely the unfortunate result of convergent evolution. Although yes, it is hard to imagine how Canidae family came out looking the same as distant lifeforms that had to hop between planets and turn so savage just to survive.

The only Canidae specie that will likely prey on a tourist are the Canis lupus–the ancestor of the dog. They hunt in groups to take down prey larger than themselves in heavily forested regions of the northern hemisphere. Still, these animals are simple to defend oneself against (unlike the gregafich) and may be dispatched easily with any small to medium blast shocker set to stun.

The 1st of April.

In accordance to the Homo sapiens’ calendar, April 1st on Earth is a special day. The occasion–called April Fool’s–is celebrated by the specie with lies, jokes, pranks and other forms of deception among one another.

As travellers to Earth who may choose to disguise themselves as Homo sapiens, be advised that these forms of celebratory expression may be inflicted upon you in varying degrees of 1) hilarity, 2) severity or 3) shock factor. Though I feel the Universe has far more extremes to throw at us, do not underestimate the Homo sapiens’ creativity and take all necessary precautions.

These forms of deception on April Fools’ should be taken lightly and forgiven simply because it is the purpose of this apparently unproductive festival of manipulation. I do believe Homo sapiens see it as a day to laugh at themselves…

Wash, crack, heat.

One of the delicacies of Earth–should any other far-flung intergalactic traveller find itself there–are the eggs of the local ‘birds’.

‘Birds’ are a large group of odd varied creatures that are covered in complex evolved hair. Most of these creatures are capable of controlled flight, making them a decent challenge to obtain by oneself. However, Homo sapiens domesticate these birds for meat, their strange hair and eggs.

On their own, the wet contents of eggs are richly nutritious and flavourful. Homo sapiens prefer to cook this in general, and I find this version far more palatable to eggs from other planets thus far.

Forks and spoons are the obvious choice.

Despite the time being among Homo sapiens, their infernal eating tools still give cause for alarm. ‘Chopsticks’ bear resemblance to rustic yet deadly laser rods used by galactic bandits in the more backward regions.

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