A Galactic Traveller's Clipboard

Observations of the average galactic tourist.

Category Archives: Intergalactic

Express your beliefs with care.

Inspired by one of the greatest visionaries Earth has ever had, the planet Melagrotto set about creating a device that functions identically–in principle–as the Total Perspective Vortex some 6,000 years before Earth was properly formed.

The machine–jokingly dubbed ‘Total Perspective Wombat’–was largely meant as an outlet to dispell boredom, but soon it became apparent that the experiment was far too successful and the rest of its galaxy finally had consider its consequences seriously.

Instead of a fairy cake, the TPW was linked up with some of the oldest space dust known to that sector of the solar system. Billions watched as self-proclaimed ‘Galactic Genocide Extraordinaire’ Jera’di of Hothriq was led into the machine for his ‘execution’.

He emerged a much less maniac version of his previous self with a new love for philosophy and deeply profound knowledge of the universe. Jera’di’s incident with the TPW ushered in a new age of intellectuals–many of the greatest minds across space and time would become his followers, but none were able to fully grasp the extent of what enlightenment he inherited from the TPW. Jera’di’s teachings are now followed in many parts of the universe in loose reference to his famous last words: Know you know nothing, the universe will answer.

Less accepted was the machine that gave Jera’di a new lease on life. The TPW, its blueprints and creators were promptly destroyed following the revelation of Jera’di’s altered mind. Apparently because most people prefer retribution for heinous war crimes and a good execution.

This knowledge is relevant to any galactic traveller touring Earth as Homo sapiens have a saying: “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” by a philosopher called Socrates. It is speculated that he was one of Jera’di’s followers who tried and subsequently failed to spread the wisdom amongst Homo spaiens. Do not attempt to preach Jera’di’s teachings here; Socrates was executed.

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This little travel tip will save you a lot of pain.

Resist all attempts to correct Homo sapiens who say, “If I die…” to “When I die…”

It’s usually transparent here.

Unlike most planets, the precipitation on Earth is a life-giving process of water renewal. Most of the time, it is not the waste by-product of upper atmosphere ecology.

Do not whip out your triple sonic ray guns.

The Canidae family is a relatively harmless group of animals on Earth, compared to the similar-looking–but disproportionately terrifying–gregafich of Fjuptarinus. Within the Canidae, one specie has been domesticated by Homo sapiens into an even less dangerous bunch, the Canis lupus familiaris (commonly addressed simply as ‘dogs’).

Tourists to Earth should resist all temptation to exterminate ‘dogs’. In many Homo sapiens social groups, it is taboo to inflict any harm upon them. Unlike the infamous gregafich, dogs serve as companions and work animals to Homo sapiens, and do not commonly prey on anything moving regardless the size. Dogs are also non-venomous. Despite the tendency of many interstellar travellers to panic and flee at the sight of numerous dogs or any Canidae on Earth, one can simply pass off the reaction as a ‘fear of dogs’ should it attract any unwanted attention.

Again, the Canidae is not related to gregafich. Their similarity in physical appearance is likely the unfortunate result of convergent evolution. Although yes, it is hard to imagine how Canidae family came out looking the same as distant lifeforms that had to hop between planets and turn so savage just to survive.

The only Canidae specie that will likely prey on a tourist are the Canis lupus–the ancestor of the dog. They hunt in groups to take down prey larger than themselves in heavily forested regions of the northern hemisphere. Still, these animals are simple to defend oneself against (unlike the gregafich) and may be dispatched easily with any small to medium blast shocker set to stun.

Even telephone sanitizers would be better.

Douglas Adams was right; marketing executives are an entire useless portion of populations.

Elsewhere, the sideburns serve as practical defences.

Elvis? His music here was not terrible, but it took on a very primitive style. No, he isn’t even a Homo sapiens to begin with.

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