A Galactic Traveller's Clipboard

Observations of the average galactic tourist.

Category Archives: Homo sapiens

And this has taken a few months.

The act of searching for and acquiring an appropriate venue of long-term residence is a needlessly tiring and complicated process in the society of the more self-proclaimed ‘advanced’ Homo sapiens societies. The paperwork involved is quite amazing, with strange rigid rituals in place only serving to prove that this specie–above all–finds passion in wasting their existence away voicing views of little universal importance.

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You may ward them off with simple tools like sticks and stones.

Many of Earth’s mammals display primitive, crude acts of dominance. Canis lupus familiaris–for example–attempt to copulate a variety of living and non-living objects in a misguided attempt to assert themselves as the superior. This quite specific–and bizarre–behaviour can be found across the more advanced lifeforms of this young planet, included the self-proclaimed only ‘sentient’ animals: Homo sapiens.

Now, what of Canidae?

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/03/19

The author displays intelligence beyond his specie.

2+3 = Cats. GENIUS!

An unknown greater power is at work here.

Female Homo sapiens tend to carry around some form of bags (remnants of their ancient gathering behaviour as opposed to the male hunting ones, I am guessing).  This is nothing unusual.

What is fascinating is that they seem to make these bags–no matter how small–function as some sort of portable black holes; stuffing an impossible array of items into an unreasonably small container with astonishing success. This will be an interesting subject to research.

Size apparently does matter?

Why are excessively large bath towels used for drying Homo sapiens bodies when the conservative face towels are sufficient?

Odd they cannot feel within themselves.

Some individuals among Homo sapiens are obsessed with being clean, sterile and germ/ bacteria-free. I find much amusement in enlightening or reminding them that within almost every human body, a plethora of bacteria and parasitic lifeforms exist and thrive.

Small is large.

Overheard a Homo sapiens conveying that it would be ‘much better if insects just vanished’. Unless the swift collapse of the local food chain is a advantage in some way, I cannot agree.

Adhere to -my- ideals and nothing else.

I am completely failing to understand how someone else’s preference of genders in mates affects some Homo sapiens to the point of intending bodily harm.

The more things change…

Homo sapiens are mostly creatures of habit at this stage of their evolution. Change is a frightening thing to them no matter how advantageous or good the change may be. As such Homo sapiens may tend to resist change irrationally simply because they are used to the way things are, no matter how ineffective/ disadvantageous it is. This may even become a problem during their ageing years when stubbornness clouds their thought processes.

I believe the word best describing this phenomenon is nostalgia.

This is probably why most Homo sapiens will never achieve true immortality or be driven mad even if they do.

No longer fitting in pockets.

Several Homo sapiens I observed would probably testify that the mobile telephone is one of the greatest modern inventions. Back when the first ones came out, they were huge and bulky (like bricks, I am told). With the years, companies streamlined their design to convenient pocket-sizes–a logical step.

Yet now I see people holding up the newest mobile telephones that are huge screens to their faces.

Yes, there’s something odd about this.

The Homo sapiens that yearns for a simple carefree life in the rural countryside but cannot bear to give up its ‘smartphone’.

No wonder lawyers bring in the currency.

Silly Homo sapiens, of course you have the freedom to express your thoughts and ideas. No one can stop you.

Just be prepared to bear the consequences.

“Braaaaaaaains”

‘Zombies’ are fantasy creatures of the Homo sapien imagination. It describes the remnants of creatures afflicted by a condition that renders its victim more dead than alive–rotting and smelling quite offensive–with feverish hunger for flesh. They are commonly perceived to be slow, shambling creatures (usually Homo sapiens for some odd reason) that spread their affliction, gathering in numbers and lumbering slowly towards any un-afflicted persons around. They harbour little to no intelligence from their lives before the affliction. Zombies are also hardy; they are rather impervious to guns, fire, mutilation or many chemicals. I gather that nothing short of pulverization, vaporization, or utter obliteration of the body will stop a zombie from functioning

Granted there is no shortage of slow, shambling creatures around in the corporate workplace, I’m a little puzzled at the scale of zombie infatuation among Homo sapiens.

Zombie parades and parties are quite commonplace in some regions; costume parties during which Homo sapiens dress up as zombies (stench and decomposition not required). There are even university modules on how to survive should a zombie apocalypse (world overcome by zombies) occur. Given these signs, it would be no surprise to find Homo sapiens who would like to become zombies.

There seems to be a few problems with the whole zombie theory that prevents me from taking any of this fascination seriously.

1) Spreading the affliction
In the material I’ve researched, any creature bitten by a zombie inherits the affliction and eventually becomes a zombie. Zombies also consume the flesh of the living. With zombies being brainless as they supposedly are, one cannot expect zombies to be capable of choosing when to afflict and when to eat. Since zombies are a mob of creatures, there are rather few ways a Homo sapiens would actually be able to escape unconsumed. If the rate of zombie creation is less than the rate of them deteriorating to the natural forces of decomposition, then they’re a thinning army of monsters.

2) Survivability
Zombies are usually portrayed as mostly made up of Homo sapiens; Homo sapiens are perhaps one of the most ill-adapted creatures on Earth if not for their large brains’ ability at problem-solving. Take that single advantage away and Homo sapiens are merely another prey animal. Make them slow-moving and other organisms can taken them down easily. Have them rotting and they’re just a melting mess that’s breaking down into nothing. I do not believe they would last very long in the tropics or winter.

3) Sustainability
Assuming all the problems of natural predators, biodegradation and weathering are overcome or avoided, a zombie apocalypse is still doomed to wither away. If zombies are that much an indestructible and inexhaustible mob of terror, they would sweep across continents and indeed perhaps an entire planet in their search for food. What happens when that’s gone? Zombies don’t seem to consume one another. So after they’ve found all they can eat, the mob will die out to starvation. If the affliction is passed through the food chain, every creature in it becomes a zombie and dies to the same imminent starvation. Either way this route for zombie apocalypse ends in a mass extinction of everything including the affliction.

Of course I could be very wrong and a zombie apocalypse may happen (the universe being so unpredictable as it is). Ensure you are capable of powered flight and you should be able to get a head start should you chance upon zombies, and a means to leave planet Earth fast.

I am curious at how Homo sapiens themselves would deal with a zombie apocalypse. Perhaps signing up for one of those classes might be in order to better understand Homo sapiens and this strange obsession.

Not to mention ear/headphones.

The grotesque lack of observation skills in Homo sapiens is not at all aided in any way by the advent of portable electronic devices they obsess over even while walking.

They require pizzas.

Modelling must be a ghastly occupation with permanent effects to one’s physique that Homo sapiens think worth the risk for the currency. On Earth almost all of the most famous models end up displaying themselves to the world wearing faces contorted by barely-contained rage and–largely in female models–defining bizarre emaciation.

Louder than words.

Many problems perceived by Homo sapiens would be solved if they stopped talking and start taking action.

Despite the colourful language

Despite the colourful language, I’d say this Homo sapiens has a rather solid grasp on his immediate reality: https://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Express your beliefs with care.

Inspired by one of the greatest visionaries Earth has ever had, the planet Melagrotto set about creating a device that functions identically–in principle–as the Total Perspective Vortex some 6,000 years before Earth was properly formed.

The machine–jokingly dubbed ‘Total Perspective Wombat’–was largely meant as an outlet to dispell boredom, but soon it became apparent that the experiment was far too successful and the rest of its galaxy finally had consider its consequences seriously.

Instead of a fairy cake, the TPW was linked up with some of the oldest space dust known to that sector of the solar system. Billions watched as self-proclaimed ‘Galactic Genocide Extraordinaire’ Jera’di of Hothriq was led into the machine for his ‘execution’.

He emerged a much less maniac version of his previous self with a new love for philosophy and deeply profound knowledge of the universe. Jera’di’s incident with the TPW ushered in a new age of intellectuals–many of the greatest minds across space and time would become his followers, but none were able to fully grasp the extent of what enlightenment he inherited from the TPW. Jera’di’s teachings are now followed in many parts of the universe in loose reference to his famous last words: Know you know nothing, the universe will answer.

Less accepted was the machine that gave Jera’di a new lease on life. The TPW, its blueprints and creators were promptly destroyed following the revelation of Jera’di’s altered mind. Apparently because most people prefer retribution for heinous war crimes and a good execution.

This knowledge is relevant to any galactic traveller touring Earth as Homo sapiens have a saying: “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” by a philosopher called Socrates. It is speculated that he was one of Jera’di’s followers who tried and subsequently failed to spread the wisdom amongst Homo spaiens. Do not attempt to preach Jera’di’s teachings here; Socrates was executed.

It cannot get any less obvious.

In many primitive species–regardless of galaxy–the issue of predation dictates that the creatures will evolve to evade detection, simply grow too large to be considered a target or become an apex predator.

Homo sapiens seem to defy this rule: their offspring’s cries resonate for miles around like a beacon to hungry creatures, the female adults even seem to prefer travelling around irritably noisily wearing strange, impractical and health-hazardous footwear called ‘high-heels’. Hardly a wonder why they have to engineer bubble environments.

This little travel tip will save you a lot of pain.

Resist all attempts to correct Homo sapiens who say, “If I die…” to “When I die…”

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