A Galactic Traveller's Clipboard

Observations of the average galactic tourist.

Category Archives: Earth

The product of modified sweat glands.

Butter or death.

Margarine is for oiling machinery it tastes akin to.

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You may ward them off with simple tools like sticks and stones.

Many of Earth’s mammals display primitive, crude acts of dominance. Canis lupus familiaris–for example–attempt to copulate a variety of living and non-living objects in a misguided attempt to assert themselves as the superior. This quite specific–and bizarre–behaviour can be found across the more advanced lifeforms of this young planet, included the self-proclaimed only ‘sentient’ animals: Homo sapiens.

Now, what of Canidae?

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/03/19

The author displays intelligence beyond his specie.

2+3 = Cats. GENIUS!

An unknown greater power is at work here.

Female Homo sapiens tend to carry around some form of bags (remnants of their ancient gathering behaviour as opposed to the male hunting ones, I am guessing).  This is nothing unusual.

What is fascinating is that they seem to make these bags–no matter how small–function as some sort of portable black holes; stuffing an impossible array of items into an unreasonably small container with astonishing success. This will be an interesting subject to research.

Small is large.

Overheard a Homo sapiens conveying that it would be ‘much better if insects just vanished’. Unless the swift collapse of the local food chain is a advantage in some way, I cannot agree.

“Braaaaaaaains”

‘Zombies’ are fantasy creatures of the Homo sapien imagination. It describes the remnants of creatures afflicted by a condition that renders its victim more dead than alive–rotting and smelling quite offensive–with feverish hunger for flesh. They are commonly perceived to be slow, shambling creatures (usually Homo sapiens for some odd reason) that spread their affliction, gathering in numbers and lumbering slowly towards any un-afflicted persons around. They harbour little to no intelligence from their lives before the affliction. Zombies are also hardy; they are rather impervious to guns, fire, mutilation or many chemicals. I gather that nothing short of pulverization, vaporization, or utter obliteration of the body will stop a zombie from functioning

Granted there is no shortage of slow, shambling creatures around in the corporate workplace, I’m a little puzzled at the scale of zombie infatuation among Homo sapiens.

Zombie parades and parties are quite commonplace in some regions; costume parties during which Homo sapiens dress up as zombies (stench and decomposition not required). There are even university modules on how to survive should a zombie apocalypse (world overcome by zombies) occur. Given these signs, it would be no surprise to find Homo sapiens who would like to become zombies.

There seems to be a few problems with the whole zombie theory that prevents me from taking any of this fascination seriously.

1) Spreading the affliction
In the material I’ve researched, any creature bitten by a zombie inherits the affliction and eventually becomes a zombie. Zombies also consume the flesh of the living. With zombies being brainless as they supposedly are, one cannot expect zombies to be capable of choosing when to afflict and when to eat. Since zombies are a mob of creatures, there are rather few ways a Homo sapiens would actually be able to escape unconsumed. If the rate of zombie creation is less than the rate of them deteriorating to the natural forces of decomposition, then they’re a thinning army of monsters.

2) Survivability
Zombies are usually portrayed as mostly made up of Homo sapiens; Homo sapiens are perhaps one of the most ill-adapted creatures on Earth if not for their large brains’ ability at problem-solving. Take that single advantage away and Homo sapiens are merely another prey animal. Make them slow-moving and other organisms can taken them down easily. Have them rotting and they’re just a melting mess that’s breaking down into nothing. I do not believe they would last very long in the tropics or winter.

3) Sustainability
Assuming all the problems of natural predators, biodegradation and weathering are overcome or avoided, a zombie apocalypse is still doomed to wither away. If zombies are that much an indestructible and inexhaustible mob of terror, they would sweep across continents and indeed perhaps an entire planet in their search for food. What happens when that’s gone? Zombies don’t seem to consume one another. So after they’ve found all they can eat, the mob will die out to starvation. If the affliction is passed through the food chain, every creature in it becomes a zombie and dies to the same imminent starvation. Either way this route for zombie apocalypse ends in a mass extinction of everything including the affliction.

Of course I could be very wrong and a zombie apocalypse may happen (the universe being so unpredictable as it is). Ensure you are capable of powered flight and you should be able to get a head start should you chance upon zombies, and a means to leave planet Earth fast.

I am curious at how Homo sapiens themselves would deal with a zombie apocalypse. Perhaps signing up for one of those classes might be in order to better understand Homo sapiens and this strange obsession.

Take-offs are hazardous too.

Feral Columba livia–though deceptively adorable–are highly explosive and volatile to dyruminitus-based lifeforms. Never under any circumstance allow yourself to be caught beneath one in flight or while nesting in high places.

Express your beliefs with care.

Inspired by one of the greatest visionaries Earth has ever had, the planet Melagrotto set about creating a device that functions identically–in principle–as the Total Perspective Vortex some 6,000 years before Earth was properly formed.

The machine–jokingly dubbed ‘Total Perspective Wombat’–was largely meant as an outlet to dispell boredom, but soon it became apparent that the experiment was far too successful and the rest of its galaxy finally had consider its consequences seriously.

Instead of a fairy cake, the TPW was linked up with some of the oldest space dust known to that sector of the solar system. Billions watched as self-proclaimed ‘Galactic Genocide Extraordinaire’ Jera’di of Hothriq was led into the machine for his ‘execution’.

He emerged a much less maniac version of his previous self with a new love for philosophy and deeply profound knowledge of the universe. Jera’di’s incident with the TPW ushered in a new age of intellectuals–many of the greatest minds across space and time would become his followers, but none were able to fully grasp the extent of what enlightenment he inherited from the TPW. Jera’di’s teachings are now followed in many parts of the universe in loose reference to his famous last words: Know you know nothing, the universe will answer.

Less accepted was the machine that gave Jera’di a new lease on life. The TPW, its blueprints and creators were promptly destroyed following the revelation of Jera’di’s altered mind. Apparently because most people prefer retribution for heinous war crimes and a good execution.

This knowledge is relevant to any galactic traveller touring Earth as Homo sapiens have a saying: “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” by a philosopher called Socrates. It is speculated that he was one of Jera’di’s followers who tried and subsequently failed to spread the wisdom amongst Homo spaiens. Do not attempt to preach Jera’di’s teachings here; Socrates was executed.

It cannot get any less obvious.

In many primitive species–regardless of galaxy–the issue of predation dictates that the creatures will evolve to evade detection, simply grow too large to be considered a target or become an apex predator.

Homo sapiens seem to defy this rule: their offspring’s cries resonate for miles around like a beacon to hungry creatures, the female adults even seem to prefer travelling around irritably noisily wearing strange, impractical and health-hazardous footwear called ‘high-heels’. Hardly a wonder why they have to engineer bubble environments.

This little travel tip will save you a lot of pain.

Resist all attempts to correct Homo sapiens who say, “If I die…” to “When I die…”

It’s usually transparent here.

Unlike most planets, the precipitation on Earth is a life-giving process of water renewal. Most of the time, it is not the waste by-product of upper atmosphere ecology.

Nitpicky or simply bored?

I do not understand why certain Homo sapiens insist whichever language is ‘deteriorating’ or not being as it should. Language is a reflection of the creatures that use it. Like the users, language changes with culture, ideas and events.

The purpose of language is to communicate. If a language–however broken or ‘mangled’–achieves this, what exactly is the problem?

The next time a Homo sapiens tells you to use proper <language>, tell it to speak in pure Anglo-Saxon, Latin or Sanskrit.

A cycle of destruction and renewal.

Unfortunate as it is to the more fragile mortals, natural ‘disasters’ are proof that the planet is alive and breathing. Having none of that will reduce the Earth into a lifeless rock floating in space.

The round face and slow gait are vicious lies.

I might have found something as formidable as a gregafich on the planet Earth: female Ursus arctos horribilis with cubs.

Unfortunately the ominous scientific name only became known to me after the attack and proper research. ‘Grizzly bear’ seemed harmless enough initially.

Much time will be spent reconstituting my face.

Not yet, thankfully.

For such a young and primitive race, Homo sapiens have achieved much. Yet I sense that because of their limited lifespan they are brazenly reckless in trying to achieve without attaining the wisdom behind their actions.

Their dreams of space travel alone is not something the other intergalactic species disapprove of. However, aiming to colonise another planet simply because they have not learnt how to preserve their own strikes many of us as nothing more than grotesque, shameless planetary parasitism.

Certainly I hope Homo sapiens never pick up the skills to zip between even solar systems until they learn to breed and function in harmony with their environment.

Do not whip out your triple sonic ray guns.

The Canidae family is a relatively harmless group of animals on Earth, compared to the similar-looking–but disproportionately terrifying–gregafich of Fjuptarinus. Within the Canidae, one specie has been domesticated by Homo sapiens into an even less dangerous bunch, the Canis lupus familiaris (commonly addressed simply as ‘dogs’).

Tourists to Earth should resist all temptation to exterminate ‘dogs’. In many Homo sapiens social groups, it is taboo to inflict any harm upon them. Unlike the infamous gregafich, dogs serve as companions and work animals to Homo sapiens, and do not commonly prey on anything moving regardless the size. Dogs are also non-venomous. Despite the tendency of many interstellar travellers to panic and flee at the sight of numerous dogs or any Canidae on Earth, one can simply pass off the reaction as a ‘fear of dogs’ should it attract any unwanted attention.

Again, the Canidae is not related to gregafich. Their similarity in physical appearance is likely the unfortunate result of convergent evolution. Although yes, it is hard to imagine how Canidae family came out looking the same as distant lifeforms that had to hop between planets and turn so savage just to survive.

The only Canidae specie that will likely prey on a tourist are the Canis lupus–the ancestor of the dog. They hunt in groups to take down prey larger than themselves in heavily forested regions of the northern hemisphere. Still, these animals are simple to defend oneself against (unlike the gregafich) and may be dispatched easily with any small to medium blast shocker set to stun.

Thankfully, telepathy is currently out of their reach.

Homo sapiens have an impressively insatiable need to verbalise. This urge to speak is so great they will often resort to stating the blatant obvious, the very silly, the very unneeded, or all that at the same time.

One merely needs to wait and emulate mutual comprehension to entice a Homo sapiens into disclosing details.

The 1st of April.

In accordance to the Homo sapiens’ calendar, April 1st on Earth is a special day. The occasion–called April Fool’s–is celebrated by the specie with lies, jokes, pranks and other forms of deception among one another.

As travellers to Earth who may choose to disguise themselves as Homo sapiens, be advised that these forms of celebratory expression may be inflicted upon you in varying degrees of 1) hilarity, 2) severity or 3) shock factor. Though I feel the Universe has far more extremes to throw at us, do not underestimate the Homo sapiens’ creativity and take all necessary precautions.

These forms of deception on April Fools’ should be taken lightly and forgiven simply because it is the purpose of this apparently unproductive festival of manipulation. I do believe Homo sapiens see it as a day to laugh at themselves…

Wash, crack, heat.

One of the delicacies of Earth–should any other far-flung intergalactic traveller find itself there–are the eggs of the local ‘birds’.

‘Birds’ are a large group of odd varied creatures that are covered in complex evolved hair. Most of these creatures are capable of controlled flight, making them a decent challenge to obtain by oneself. However, Homo sapiens domesticate these birds for meat, their strange hair and eggs.

On their own, the wet contents of eggs are richly nutritious and flavourful. Homo sapiens prefer to cook this in general, and I find this version far more palatable to eggs from other planets thus far.

Forks and spoons are the obvious choice.

Despite the time being among Homo sapiens, their infernal eating tools still give cause for alarm. ‘Chopsticks’ bear resemblance to rustic yet deadly laser rods used by galactic bandits in the more backward regions.

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