A Galactic Traveller's Clipboard

Observations of the average galactic tourist.


‘Zombies’ are fantasy creatures of the Homo sapien imagination. It describes the remnants of creatures afflicted by a condition that renders its victim more dead than alive–rotting and smelling quite offensive–with feverish hunger for flesh. They are commonly perceived to be slow, shambling creatures (usually Homo sapiens for some odd reason) that spread their affliction, gathering in numbers and lumbering slowly towards any un-afflicted persons around. They harbour little to no intelligence from their lives before the affliction. Zombies are also hardy; they are rather impervious to guns, fire, mutilation or many chemicals. I gather that nothing short of pulverization, vaporization, or utter obliteration of the body will stop a zombie from functioning

Granted there is no shortage of slow, shambling creatures around in the corporate workplace, I’m a little puzzled at the scale of zombie infatuation among Homo sapiens.

Zombie parades and parties are quite commonplace in some regions; costume parties during which Homo sapiens dress up as zombies (stench and decomposition not required). There are even university modules on how to survive should a zombie apocalypse (world overcome by zombies) occur. Given these signs, it would be no surprise to find Homo sapiens who would like to become zombies.

There seems to be a few problems with the whole zombie theory that prevents me from taking any of this fascination seriously.

1) Spreading the affliction
In the material I’ve researched, any creature bitten by a zombie inherits the affliction and eventually becomes a zombie. Zombies also consume the flesh of the living. With zombies being brainless as they supposedly are, one cannot expect zombies to be capable of choosing when to afflict and when to eat. Since zombies are a mob of creatures, there are rather few ways a Homo sapiens would actually be able to escape unconsumed. If the rate of zombie creation is less than the rate of them deteriorating to the natural forces of decomposition, then they’re a thinning army of monsters.

2) Survivability
Zombies are usually portrayed as mostly made up of Homo sapiens; Homo sapiens are perhaps one of the most ill-adapted creatures on Earth if not for their large brains’ ability at problem-solving. Take that single advantage away and Homo sapiens are merely another prey animal. Make them slow-moving and other organisms can taken them down easily. Have them rotting and they’re just a melting mess that’s breaking down into nothing. I do not believe they would last very long in the tropics or winter.

3) Sustainability
Assuming all the problems of natural predators, biodegradation and weathering are overcome or avoided, a zombie apocalypse is still doomed to wither away. If zombies are that much an indestructible and inexhaustible mob of terror, they would sweep across continents and indeed perhaps an entire planet in their search for food. What happens when that’s gone? Zombies don’t seem to consume one another. So after they’ve found all they can eat, the mob will die out to starvation. If the affliction is passed through the food chain, every creature in it becomes a zombie and dies to the same imminent starvation. Either way this route for zombie apocalypse ends in a mass extinction of everything including the affliction.

Of course I could be very wrong and a zombie apocalypse may happen (the universe being so unpredictable as it is). Ensure you are capable of powered flight and you should be able to get a head start should you chance upon zombies, and a means to leave planet Earth fast.

I am curious at how Homo sapiens themselves would deal with a zombie apocalypse. Perhaps signing up for one of those classes might be in order to better understand Homo sapiens and this strange obsession.


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